That’s life. If nothing else, its life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it’s sort of all we have.

Sam, Garden State

In Plain Sight

Do you ever feel really insignificant?
Like there’s not a single person in the world who thinks you matter, really matter?
Well, I do. Right now, right this second.
I’m writing this here because I know that there’s no one I can tell this directly to.
No one who cares enough,
Although they pretend they do
Maybe because they think they must.

I don’t get this way usually
One would say that I’m a very cheerful person,
Always laughing off my troubles
Brushing off all the depressing thoughts
But right now, sitting in a different city
Thinking of some friend that I can call at 12:30 am
I realize there’s no one,
No one that would be glad that I called and disturbed their sleep
No one that would pick up my call and say,
“You matter so much to me and I don’t want you to feel like this anymore.”

Real life after all, isn’t as happy and wonderful like they show in movies
Not that frequently anyway
And we all learn it the hard way
You don’t always find the Perfect One
You don’t always manage to convey what you feel to someone you love
You don’t always find the need to say “I care about you”
And sometimes you just forget
You forget to do something you’ve always wanted to do
You forget to Carpe Diem
The funny thing is, you probably never recall it until you’re in a hospital,
Taking your last breath.

You see, the movies sometimes leave out those short, uncomfortable scenes
The times when you feel desperate,
Desperate for some affection, some warmth
And I find that these scenes seem to fill in all those holes between the happy memories.

The holes are gradually getting bigger, deeper
What I thought of as rare solitude,
Has become more of a lifestyle than a seldom required luxury
And I’m scared,
I’m scared as fuck of the day I won’t have a lot of those happy memories left to forget the gaps
I fear that one day, all of those locked up and forgotten emotions
Will rush towards me like a giant wave
And I won’t know how to swim back up to the shore.